Kenyan lasses are just… No! Nairobi lasses are the worst!
When it comes to marriages and relationships, Kenyan women rank the lowest in East Africa. They just do not understand what it takes to make these commitments work. I have been reading Kilimani Mums posts with such disgust, doctors tell me my bile levels are elevated.
I digress. Kenyan lasses are just not made for relationships. These millennial girls just want to suckle shisha pipes and mumunya Jameson bottles. They want to finish our inheritance having fun with our fathers (see sponsors) and think everything is sweet!
I recently had some office banter with my teammates who opened up about some of the reasons
they cheated on their significant others in the past(?) and they were so silly, I chocked on the water I was drinking.
These miniature Beelzububs told me that apparently, it isn’t uncommon for Kenyan lasses to cheat for the following reasons:
#1. He complimented my new weave
The diabolical scheme gets set into motion simply because another man complimented their hair -I believe they call this “paying attention”.
Apparently this is more an issue with Nairobi lasses. And I have to come out to defend my nephews on this one: the only man who should notice and compliment your hair is a gay hairdresser called Kariz!
#2. He gave me a lift in his car
Nairobi lasses are the biggest culprits of this. They actually get swept off their feet by boys driving Blue Subarus -no Njoki Chege. You cannot tell me you have never heard of the way lads that drive bag poon. It has gotten to the point that when a lad buys a car, Nairobi fuckboys tell him, “Si utakufa na ukedi sasa?!” as a form of congratulation.
And true to form, Kenyan women will do damn near anything to pull up at some club in a car. And don’t get me started on what they will do for a slice of pizza if any is offered!
#3. We connected emotionally
Pfft! I connect on an emotional level with my barber… Doesn’t mean I am trying to jump his bones. He just gets my hairline!
#4. Bad sex
What is this animal called “bad sex”? Uncle Chim Tuna needs all the lasses to listen up. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DERIVE AS MUCH PLEASURE FROM SEX AS YOU CAN. I will arrive, share in the best 5 minutes of your life roll over and sleep. I am done.
If that isn’t what you want, prepare thyself! Otherwise mate ndio tutatumia. Kubaff!
#5. Woiyee sex
One dastardly member of the female gender in our office actually said women will give away the poon you paid dowry for out of that “woiye” feeling. They pity a man and give him some as a pick-me-upper! I need 5 minutes to compose myself as I sobbed ever so uncontrollably.
If I ever found out that this is why my woman cheated on me, I would kill every last one of the goats, chicken and cows I paid as dowry that still live in her parents’ boma. Every. Last. One.
#6. He had more money or was more famous than bae
This happened to gospel rapper Hey Z!
These Kenyan women hapana tambua mapenz. Vichwa vimejaa tu ushenz!
#7. Sexual curiosity
This one I understand. So many women have approached me simply because they are curious. This one, I truly understand.